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Troubled Soul

I know I fail a lot
And I know I will never be good enough
I believe you can not save every bit of me
And I tend to make stupid mistakes
Sometimes am even scared of myself
I curse myself for being the opposite of who I want to be in my head
Am sorry but who I am right now is not even half of it

The horrors,
The insults thrown at us as kids stuck in us
When I lift my chin to look into the mirror
Two different species
My subconscious rases with my heartbeat
I think am turning into the opposite of who I want to be
Am turning into the person who made me write my 1st suicidal note

Needs are driving me endlessly crazy
And the more I grow the more needs
I wish to turn back the hands of time so that as a kid they’d hold me
Tight enough that I feel secure enough
I wish I had someone in my past who’d last till my death
One who’d always be there for me if need be
One who knows how I feel without asking
One who’d call me just to say ‘hey, life is hell but we’re in this together you are My G you know that”,

You see, Mistrust is the word that impulsively comes to mind every time I think I found someone whose Kind to me
I always have second thoughts because experience taught me that whoever is closest to you will easily be the one to kill you, you will not be prepared

I gave myself space to think but I had nothing in mind apart from regrets and self-hate
If it was possible to stay alone and survive I’d do it
Without second guessing
Without being a burden
But we all need people
And people need us
But then again, we fail people
And they fail to see it was not us, it was the demon inside of us, the Anxiety, ADHD, Maniac depression

God forgives but I don’t. That’s why am always gloomy and sad
And I don’t bear grudges I just chose to forget, it never happened
But then again memories live forever and the ones who hurt us die
The ones who treat us well die ahead and leave us right at the doorsteps of our enemies
Devour so they do to the fickle hopes we had left

And we change
We fail to believe in our strengths because the tests that life gave us were too hard for us and we failed
Maybe if my elder sister was still alive things would be different
or maybe not, who knows?
But I’d like to give it a try maybe she was my would-be soulmate who knows?

Maybe I make mistakes because it’s my way of crying out to the universe
Maybe I feel too much ashamed of myself that I choose to block friendships before they begin
Maybe I did not ask the right questions to my mom and dad as a child, it was the asking age
Now I know nothing in the age of answering

I feel like am dead and am now burning in hell
Satan is now my god and that’s why my life is as fucked up as it is
Like God did not understand why I did what I did that’s why he refused to mould me into a better man
I gave you all the rights even if I couldn’t I still don’t get why you like to let people suffer more than enough am tired of hearing about life balance and stuff I would vote against
I tried God, if you’re real you know am being sincere, No one is more truthful than one who has nothing to loose

This might be my last words or my first
This might be the end of a troubled soul or the beginning of something different
I’ve given it time to grow,
Am talking about love,
Seems people who possess it enjoy happiness
I bet It doesn’t grow inside a broken heart
The few times I’ve felt happy, Love was not on the menu
Love doesn’t run the world, if it does then I’ve been living in a stagnant world that only moves after i die
Where Power of Hate determines your success
And those who care don’t show it
lest they be branded as weak and fibble





Published by thephenomwillrise

Let me write your story, using my own words. Let Poetry Reign i have tales to tell, join me

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